bliss has its place

•September 13, 2010 • 2 Comments

“I know this steak doesn’t exist. I know that when I put it in my mouth, the Matrix is telling my brain that it is juicy and delicious. After nine years, you know what I realize? Ignorance is bliss.” 

Close your eyes to the hurt

Close your eyes to the lies

Close your heart to the falsities hidden by pretty eyes

Fight back the rage

Fight back the tears

Forget it was you that stood with him all these years

Listen to his complaints

Respond to his words

Try not to say that he sounds absurd

Reach out your hand

Touch his face

Knowing that you’ve been replaced

See the other and know her wiles

Know the truth that she beguiled

Scream at God

Curse the devil

Wonder at the evil on this level. 

Lock away in cold hearts tower

Wishing that you have the power

of shield or sword or mice or men

To see this through from beginning to end

The New AZ Jim crow laws

•May 6, 2010 • Leave a Comment

Tell me what you think about the newest form of racial inequality. This situation stresses me.  So tell me what you think.

Calm me

•May 6, 2010 • Leave a Comment

Sometimes he calms the storm, click this link before reading this blog.

I began to listen to this song years ago when I was stressed out.  The first time I heard it I was very angry and upset because I wanted God to calm the storm nothing else.  Now here I am years later and I still find myself begging God to calm the storm.  I ask him to calm the storm that grows inside me.  I get angry as each day passes.  How can God in all his infinite wisdom allow these things to continue happening?  I look at the one I trusted and the anger grows.  I sleep and the anger grows. I have nightmares and the anger grows. I want the storm outside  to calm but now I realize that calming the storm is not going to help me.  I need to b able to go through a storm calmly.   So I get it I get it.  Lord if you will not calm the Storm raging outside please calm the storm inside before the storm becomes uncontrollable and the carnage will be unleashed

unfaithful

•May 1, 2010 • Leave a Comment

i would have told you when my world was crashing down

i would have called you when i could call no one else

i would have called you about the anger and the pain.

i would have told you the betrayal and lies

i would have told you how he doesn’t seem sorry

i would have told you how this makes me question everything

i would have told you everything but it is because of you that I am feeling this way

so why tell you what i believe you should already know

Woman are you thirsty

•April 30, 2010 • Leave a Comment

Today I lay in bed in tears I thought about the woman at the well.  The woman at the well was not an evil woman, she was not vile or disgusting, she didn’t have worts or any deformity.  She was just a woman at a well.  She was a woman who had spent her life searching for a perfect pair of pants.  She had found  a few pairs.  None of them fit.  The woman at the well was not a whore or a slut.  She was a good woman.  SHe had a good job and good children.  Her friends loved her they loved to be in her company.  Yes there were  people who despised her but for the most part she was a respectable woman.  So why had she not found her perfect pair of pants.  The pants that people called the power pants.  Her first pair of pants had fit her so well they made her feel perfect she had worn them with pride and washed them in the gentle cycle.  So why had the pants been destroyed on the rocks leaving her exposed.  Yes she had been wearing the pants when they wore torn from her body as easily as you would tear a sheet of paper.  She believed that maybe the pants she bought were just to flimsy.  So she went in search of another pair.  Each time she would  go for it and  the pants would get ripped  away leaving her uncovered the pants all just didn’t last.  She had never once thought that it was she that had the problem, it was the pants.  After a while of wearing pants that ripped at the tide, she decided it was dumb to waste money on a useless product such as pants.  So she begin to go around and steal pants from her neighbors.  I mean the pants were going to rip eventually anyway might as well rip while she was wearing them and she could see what lay in the pockets for her to pillage.  So she did this for a while but soon she realized that wearing other peoples pants was just not healthy.  Sometimes people didn’t wash the pants so they stunk to high heaven.  Sometimes the detergent made her itch, this was the case when she came to the well that morning.  She had borrowed some pants with the intention of returning them but her skin was itching and she ripped them off threw on a tunic and ran to the well to get water before her friends could get up and see the little allergy bumps forming on her skin.  she would wash and drink enough water to cleanse her inside and then she would go back home and do the same thing over tomorrow. She was just about to drop the bucket when she saw a light.  As she went to the light she realized she didn’t itch anymore, inside or outside.  What a strange light.  Once she reached it she realized it was a man with a ladle in his hand.  “Are you thirsty?” the man asked.  Her throat felt like parchment paper but she was unable to move.  “You are the one they call well jumper” he said. You come here every morning to wash the scent of the pants you have stolen away.  You have already had five pairs that did not fit but now you don’t care you will wear any pants.  She started to tell this man that he did not know anything about her and leave but when she turned her back to him the itch and the longing returned.  So instead she said what do you know of my life and my struggles?  What can you do for me?  I can give you cloth that will never rip. Yeah right she thought.  What kind of cloth never rips?  Well I like to call it Utter trust. he said.  When it comes time to put another pair of pants but this cloth between you and the pants and you will be fine.  You mean the pants will not rip.  I mean you will not be exposed.  This cloth will protect you from broken pants. oh she said thoughtfully.  Are you thirsty he said again.  This time she drinks

The Perfect “Pants”

•April 29, 2010 • 1 Comment

All my life I have searched for the perfect pants.  The pants that were just meant for me.  I would look around at everyone else walking by in their pants.  I would see the way the pants fit their curves and accented their features.  I would see them in their perfect pants and wonder where I could get a pair just like them.  However the perfect pair of pants seemed a well-kept secret because those that had them seemed unwilling or unable to tell me where to get them from.  One day I looked around in my mothers closet and I saw her perfect pair of pants. ” You have a pair” I exclaimed to my mother, where did you get them?  She laughed and said nothing.  So I continued my quest.  It was different now, for I had seen the perfect pair of pants up close and I knew what they looked like.  I was so excited to be on the hunt…. for the perfect pants.  Each day I went out looking and searching high and low.  Sometimes I went lower than low but still did not find the perfect pair of pants.  I began to feel hopeless, I would never find my match…in pants.  I decided that I would just learn to be content with what I had. Lovely jeans, in all styles and colors and they fit almost the way I wanted them to.  So I quit after what seemed like a life long quest I  just gave up and said I would not look anymore.  Then one day I looked in a shop just window shopping not even trying to buy anything and there on a clearance rack was my perfect pair of pants.  It seems that someone else had taken my pants home by accident.  She had worn them a couple of times and then decided these were not her perfect pair so she brought them back to the store.  The store was now selling my perfect pants for 10% off which left them right between to expensive and priceless.  I’ didnt have the cash so I thought I should just leave them there and pray that they were there when I had the money.  A little voice inside my head said buy the pants or you will regret it.  I am not a shopaholic and since I had already given up the quest I knew in my spirit that this was the voice of a higher power so I took the pants home.  I showed them to my mother.  She smiled.  “Do you like them” I asked?  “Yes they are lovely.  They fit so well”.  We should wear our pants together I told her.  Her smile faded and she said.  “The reason no woman will tell you where to get your perfect pair is because each perfect pair has a flaw.”  “What do you mean a flaw” I said.  “You will find out sooner or later but there will be a flaw.”  “Well what do you do with the flaw” I asked.  “Well” mom said “some women patch the flaw.  Some woman hide the flaw, some women accept the flaw and some women never even see the flaw.  Then there are those of us who have no choice but to discard the pants and start the search all over for another perfect pair of pants.”  “Mom they can not be perfect if they have a flaw.”  “They can be perfect for you” she replied “but don’t worry about that now the flaw may not show up for years”.  “For now enjoy your perfectly almost perfect pants. I know I did” she said and she walked away.  I stood with my pants, head bowed searching again but this time for the flaw.  Because if I can find it I can try to fix it before it is too late and I have to find a new pair of Perfect Pants.

However as I stood there searching for the flaw I had to wonder does anyone ever really want to find the flaw or is it better to just wait for the flaw in the pants to just show itself?

Everything is coming up Roses

•April 26, 2010 • Leave a Comment

A long time ago I was going through some really hard things mentally and I felt like my life was falling apart.  I was hurt and angry and yet I smiled at people and pretended that it was ok.  THe whole time my mind was having a break down.  I had nightmares and night screams.  (Thanks to krys to staying close during these crazy times )  However somehow I managed to smile on the outside.  Everything was coming up roses.  Now I am again seeing my life through hurt filled eyes.  This time is different. When I am alone at home with my husband and I lay in his arms I can cry until I am whole again.  It is here in the arms of the man that truly understands me that I don’t have to pretend, it is here the Roses grow.  And I need the roses to grow.  For without the roses this life would be full of only thorns.