Lost home

Hi my name is Hattie Pacheco and I am an AKOD.  It has been 18 days since I spoke with my father and about 1hr and 23 minutes since I spoke with my mother.  Before this I had not spoken to my father in months and well I talk to my mom everyday ( not by choice).  I feel broken and put back together completely wrong.  I am married and I have a beautiful 7 year old boy.  I am happy when I see my husband and my son.  However even in the midst of this happiness I am an AKOD and I feel like art by Picasso.  I find that I am torn with the feelings I have regarding both my parents.  I also find that I am angry. 

I am angry at my dad mostly.  I love my dad and this is why such anger disturbs me.  My father was always the one I trusted more than anyone.  I believed him to be a good man, I believe he still is.  My belief system is on shaky ground these days.  How can you trust and believe someone that has caused you to question all that they taught you to believe in.  Not about God and who he is but about life and why we live it.  I find that I resent my father and deem him a coward for running away from his vows instead of trying to renew the love he once had.  I find that my father’s reasons (excuses) give my head tremors and cause me to have nightmares in which he is a person I have to annihilate in order for all to be right in the world.  Sometimes I see every man in the actions of my father.  Did I mention  I am married.  Yes I think their are times that I hate my father and every male creature that God chose to create.  My husband I fear must love me through these moments.  he must hug me, kiss me, whisper sweet nothings in my ear.  He promises to love me and only me forever and not to hurt me and to want me physically for the rest of our lives.  I curl up next to him.  I feel safe here for a moment or minute, hour or sometimes a day.  Then I think how can he promise things that my father after 35 years decided were worth naught and walked away.  My husband can not make such promises I think to myself.  So I, for a brief moment , I resent my husband because my father was faithless. 

I am a daughter, I am an AKOD.  I love my mother though her voice makes my ears bleed and her controlling nature causes me to be uncontrollable.  She calls me more now.  She is crying about everything.  My brother tells me it is the MS.  People with MS also battle with depression.  Yes I know but it is not depression over MS that she is dealing with it is the depression over my father.  My mother used to be a force to be reckoned with.  I was at times afraid to cross her path for what she might do to me.  Now I am afraid to cross her path for what she might tell me he said to her.  I am angry with my mother.  I am angry at her for having MS.  I am angry at her for filing for divorce and then crying.  I am angry because she calls me crying.  I am angry because she chose to love someone so much it is as if she gave him her soul.  I am angry because she has never known the touch of another man.  I am angry because she needs a friend.  I am angry because although I love her I am not able to be that friend.  I can only be a daughter.  I can not listen to things my father has said to her.  I am his daughter as well and I love him too.  I am angry because he took her only friend in this area away from her.  I am angry and I am scared.  I am an AKOD. I  look at my mother and no matter how hard I try to close my eyes I see myself.  I am angry because love was not enough. 

I am an AKOD (Adult kid of Divorce.) My parents divorced this year and I am 32 years old.  I have been married for 1 year and less than a month.  I am hurt and confused.  Once a question was asked “what do you do when the foundations fall.?  My answer is, I get angry.  I wish I had a magic wand to erase the mistakes of my parents to make everything right.  I wish this wand could take away my mother’s medical problems.  I wish this wand could restore some sanity to my world.  But I don’t have this wand.  So I am angry with God or the universe or who ever it is that you reading this have as your deity.  I am angry because if the marriage was going to end in divorce it could have done it a lot sooner.  It could have happened before my 1st birthday.  I would rather already know what Christmas would be like this year instead of grabbing at broken glass trying to put together the resemblance of years past.  If they had divorced sooner I would already know where I would be.    I will be fine I am sure because I am an AKOD and I will inevitably find a way to cope.  But I will never be the same.  I will never feel as invincible as before.  I will never feel as lovely.  For you see I look just like my mother and if she was not enough for my father will I be enough for my husband.  I dont know .As it is now I feel like I must go visit my husbands family because I feel as if my family died in the hospital when my mother got sick.  I feel like I am stuck in a nightmare or a lifemare and I have lost my way home.

If you are reading this and you are my father or my mother I beg of you do not comment.  There is nothing you can say that can make this better you could only make it worse.  I am an AKOD and right now I do not wish to hear from you.


~ by adjoapacheco on December 14, 2010.

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